Back to the same thing

I’ve just read “to EdD or not EdD” and, golly, it’s like I wrote it 5 minutes ago. Except that I have absolutely ruled out the GW option because it holds ZERO interest for me. Since that post, I’ve taken an Intro to Linguistics course and another Mason course in TESL this summer (THAT was craziness!). But especially during the Intro course, I was really on fire about Linguistics and like, hey, I am GOING for the PhD at Mason! But then again, who knows what will happen after I apply. They might decide a full time working mom just doesn’t fit their mold. Even though I might be great for them, great with Linguistics, given the chance!

I’m also back to “gray brain” a little. Coming off of a whirlwind 5-week course and vacation, work is dull as ditch water (until the profs get back from holiday) and I’m waiting for my online class to begin. Wish I had even the syllabus so I could start prepping. But it’s the head of the department so I’m not even bothering the guy.

I’ve discovered just how severe a people-pleaser I really am. I mean, I’ve always known this, but this summer course REALLY proved it. And sadly, I’m more keen to please people than the Lord. It’s like, “oh, ok, the Lord’s there, great. But man, I REALLY wanna impress my profs!!” This is pathetic and unbiblical.

And still…I don’t quite know what to do with life. Do I even try for the PhD program? Of course I’m afraid to apply and be rejected. The ultimate rejection, in my worldly mind. Then what would I do? Just bide my time until I can get out of this job and adjunct? Seriously??? Horrible thought. I hate it here, even though it allows our family to live fairly comfortably. Everyone except me, really, since I get to be in the basement all day not doing anything I’m passionate about.

Lord, please shoot a bolt of light through this fog. I am desperate to know what I am supposed to do that is actually meaningful in my professional life. Yes,  my mother keeps saying it’s the kids who matter most. And yes, that IS correct. However, unlike my dearest mom, I’ve gone though too much schooling, found my passion, and then lost it to NOT care what I do 8 hours a day.


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Overwhelmed, sort of

It’s really odd when I’m not taking classes and have nothing to focus on. I’m always in a “now what” mode, feeling like I SHOULD be doing something special and meaningful and creative, but it’s just not happening. I definitely need structure. Do I go for the Career Switchers program? Or wait things out to see if I get to teach? Man, this feels so random, but the Word says our steps are ordered of the Lord. “Ordered” has a connotation of structure, I suppose. I want to do something meaningful. That I enjoy. Period.

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To EdD or not to EdD

I have no idea which direction to go. I just know I cannot stay at the ITL forever and ever. Not really even much more than 2 years, AT MOST. That is, unless, I get into the EdD for Curriculum and Instruction and get it paid for by working here. I’m writing this post because I need to get my thoughts out of my head onto something (epaper?). So pros and cons, here we go:

GW’s EdD:

Stable steady work, provide for family, especially because of young children.

LOTS of studying. Read: away from family.

Not a BAD job, all told. I might not be teaching Spanish yet, but I’m not doing completely mindless stuff.

Could get advanced degree paid for.

I know the territory (GW), I know the commute (ick).

Would not have to sell our house, necessarily.

Mason Linguistics:

I really enjoy linguistics things. Just cool!

I don’t know exactly what the courses would entail, so they might end up being not exactly FUN per se. Based on conversation with cousin Kevin.

Would either need to find job at Mason (I won’t ever get paid THIS amount again!) or sell house and study full time.

Job at a school teaching Spanish:

I am uncertain that my personality could handle it, frankly. Scared after Georgetown Prep, like anything.


Fairfax Co doesn’t pay badly.

Would be grading and prepping a lot. Read: time away from family.


Or do I wait until the kids are older and go for adjunct positions? I REALLY would prefer – at this point anyway – to teach university students. I am so much more comfortable with that environment. I think getting an EdD would give me a greater likelihood of getting that sort of position, maybe? But in THIS area? I don’t know. Remains to be seen.

Have I done anything about talking with the Lord over this? Haven’t really chatted with him, prayed, meditated, fasted. Why am I always too busy to do this? It’s like I do it on purpose? What is GOD’S purpose for my life? What does HE want me to do with abilities He’s given? Is there an opportunity I’m not seeing because I’m self-seeking again? Just not sure. 

Whatever I choose, there has to be forward movement toward teaching, I just feel that in my bones. I will NOT be a helpdesk staff member long-term, no way. Not my long-term calling, in my mind. I’ll do it as a means to an end. The end must result in teaching Spanish.

Why do I feel silly about going into an EdD without a whole bunch of teaching experience under my belt? Like all I’ve done is get degrees and never applied them, really. But I have, haven’t I? In SOME way? What can I DO to apply what I’ve learned, especially from UMUC? Should I look into private schools? But again, like with FFX Co, the idea scares me. Is this a “sign” that I should not go this route? I would feel more comfortable tutoring, in person or online, I think. 

I “sense” I’m thinking in favor of the EdD because it’s fairly general in education, it can involve Spanish, it’s PreK through university levels, it would be an advanced degree that I’ve wanted (although THAT should not be the main reason behind this), it could help me secure a position I would really like. Who knows. As I look through the handbook, it’s a lot of work for a person witth a full time job and children. But then again, Rachel O. is doing full time coursework and has her kids, too.

Golly, I don’t know. This has not been solved by blogging. For now, anyway. I think I’m feeling manic. Ugh.

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He is free, free, FREE!

I cried so hard when Steve told me the news last night that Ethan, the boy held in the bunker, had been rescued. Oh, what a surge of desperate relief. I cannot even imagine the joy Ethan’s mom felt yesterday. I am so thankful. And I’m thankful that my own ordeal over this has come to an end, too, although I know I was holding onto it too tightly and giving it rule over me. I daresay I’m ashamed that I’m glad to know his captor is burning in a special place in hell today and that the bus driver is living it up with Christ, even though he will be sorely missed and mourned.

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gray brain

I feel totally uncreative. I get through every day, just make it, enough so that my kids feel cared for (and even then I fall so flat, like I did this morning). I’ve done as much work for my job as I possibly can right now, and I don’t know what more to do with myself. Do I take a walk? Go to Starbucks? My brain is gray and flat. Why don’t I have vision for the future, anything exciting, hopeful, new, interesting? I’m just making it. Jesus talked about life that was so overflowing it had to be pressed down and shaken together…not for me, apparently. Show me that life, God. Give it to me. Please. I don’t understand why you’ve abandoned me. My faith is just about gone. Steve’s is gone, and that doesn’t help me at all. Problem is, what else is there out there? If my kids don’t know Christ, they’re doomed. Oh God, this is such a game, a cruel game.

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buenos días


My heart and mind are under the earth with the precious 5-yr old held captive by an insane 7-yr old man who is anti-anyone-who-tells-me-how-to-live.  My heart is as dark as the soil that covers that bunker. How I wish I could go down there and comfort that little one, hold him and console him. Lord Jesus, You are the ONLY one who can get in there, past this man who thinks he holds power over everyone (and so it seems from above ground). Lord, please show Yourself almighty and powerful to overwhelm and disarm this man (literally and figuratively) and make him give it all up. Please give the negotiators Godly, divine wisdom every second. Jesus, most of all, HUG THAT LITTLE BOY. HOLD HIM, TALK TO HIM, SING TO HIM. SET HIM FREE! I wish I could say I’m praying and leaving it all with the Lord, but I keep checking CNN for any changes. And my heart breaks a little more as the desired outcomes doesn’t show up. Oh please Lord, have mercy, have mercy!

Day 2 of trying out this blogging thing. It seems so cliché to me, frankly, but then again, “they” say journaling can help get things off one’s mind, help unravel stuff, etc. We’ll see.

I hope my two other blog areas (above) are helpful to someone (if anyone reads them at all).

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