Back to the same thing

I’ve just read “to EdD or not EdD” and, golly, it’s like I wrote it 5 minutes ago. Except that I have absolutely ruled out the GW option because it holds ZERO interest for me. Since that post, I’ve taken an Intro to Linguistics course and another Mason course in TESL this summer (THAT was craziness!). But especially during the Intro course, I was really on fire about Linguistics and like, hey, I am GOING for the PhD at Mason! But then again, who knows what will happen after I apply. They might decide a full time working mom just doesn’t fit their mold. Even though I might be great for them, great with Linguistics, given the chance!

I’m also back to “gray brain” a little. Coming off of a whirlwind 5-week course and vacation, work is dull as ditch water (until the profs get back from holiday) and I’m waiting for my online class to begin. Wish I had even the syllabus so I could start prepping. But it’s the head of the department so I’m not even bothering the guy.

I’ve discovered just how severe a people-pleaser I really am. I mean, I’ve always known this, but this summer course REALLY proved it. And sadly, I’m more keen to please people than the Lord. It’s like, “oh, ok, the Lord’s there, great. But man, I REALLY wanna impress my profs!!” This is pathetic and unbiblical.

And still…I don’t quite know what to do with life. Do I even try for the PhD program? Of course I’m afraid to apply and be rejected. The ultimate rejection, in my worldly mind. Then what would I do? Just bide my time until I can get out of this job and adjunct? Seriously??? Horrible thought. I hate it here, even though it allows our family to live fairly comfortably. Everyone except me, really, since I get to be in the basement all day not doing anything I’m passionate about.

Lord, please shoot a bolt of light through this fog. I am desperate to know what I am supposed to do that is actually meaningful in my professional life. Yes,  my mother keeps saying it’s the kids who matter most. And yes, that IS correct. However, unlike my dearest mom, I’ve gone though too much schooling, found my passion, and then lost it to NOT care what I do 8 hours a day.

Ugh.

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