more than the blues

I’m writing this for the sake of anyone who has gone through or currently is going through clinical depression. You know when it’s more than just, “oh, I’m bummed my phone’s not connecting to the Internet” or the angst over one date. It’s more than that. It’s the mental anguish that consumes even your vision. You can’t look at anyone, it’s too painful to see other people getting the most out of life, or seeming to do so, at least. You’re so weary you can’t work or dream dreams…you just function. But it won’t let you sleep, either, so it’s plain cruel. “I’m the only one,” you think, “everyone else looks fine.”

Believe me…you are NOT alone, not matter what your mind tells you. If there were someone reading this who IS going through clinical depression and wishes just to not-exist, I wish I could reach out to you and comfort you. I’ve been on the edge of running away from home and leaving behind a family, of stepping out in front of traffic, whatever, just so the pain would end.

And not everyone else around you is living the “perfect” life, whatever that is. They might not be suffering in the same way you are, but they face struggles and uphill battles, as well. As my counselor has told me on multiple occasions, “don’t idealize everyone else’s lives. It’s not useful in getting better.”

I will be praying for you. I pray you will find the right psychiatrist. I recommend that, unlike me, you make sure you are on medication AND getting psychotherapy at the same time. That will be the only way to unravel what is causing the pain and to help soothe it. Pray like it depends on God, as my pastor says. I can’t tell you how many times I have screamed to God in mental agony. Even though it felt as though He didn’t hear me, I at least knew I’d put my plea out there.

I am still a work in progress. I still get twinges when I hear about someone’s good fortune in the area I “failed” at (a PhD I really desired). But somehow, someday, those twinges will give way to goodwill and peace.

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